DS3 Blogging

Advent 2.1: Working and Waiting

As I read the Luke text for this week, I was stunned by some of the phrases in Zechariah's prophecy (Luke 1:68-79). He said that the Lord intended that His people would be saved from the hand of those that hate them(v.71)...that they might serve the Lord without fear (v.74). And to be honest, these words really do not make sense in the world I live in. I cannot say that there are people that directly hate me. And I definitely cannot say that I am afraid to serve the Lord publicly. I am fortunate enough to live in an era that various forms of hate are no longer the norm. I am also blessed to live in a country that allows me the freedom to work for and worship the Lord without fear. For these things I am thankful.

Just a few verses later, Zechariah begins to refer to his newborn son John (the Baptist as he will be called). He prophesies that John will prepare the way of the Lord (v.76). Thinking ahead on the life of John the Baptist, it can be said that he was hated by people and might have even served God while fearing for his life. He is a man who is 'crying in the wilderness' but also waiting for the 'light to shine on those in darkness'. He will eventually see the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, but he will also be murdered by those who hate him. How courageous John the Baptist had to be...working for yet still waiting on the Lord.

I think the same can be said of Paul the Apostle. In the Philippians 1 text, he is thankful that the church in Philippi are partners and partakers along with him...in his imprisonment and defense of the gospel (Phil 1:5,7). While Paul is totally aware of Jesus Christ -- Him crucified and now glorified, he is still in real time waiting for God to save him from those who hate him. It is not that Paul doesn't have fear, he just learns how to 'do it [the work] afraid'. Again, the courage that we see in Paul...working for yet still waiting on the Lord.

I often pray that God would remove all of the pressures and tensions of ministry. While I do not think people hate me, I do sometimes wonder if there are people against me. I do not find myself being afraid for my life, but sometimes afraid for my future, my reputation, or my paycheck. And at times, my prayer will be something like 'let this cup pass from me'. My thought is if life were easier, ministry were simpler, loving and defending people were less costly, then I would be willing to do more of it. I'm all about the work, but I do not want to wait. We see in the examples of John the Baptist and Paul the Apostle, that as we have been called to work for the Lord, we are also called to wait for the Lord.

Then I go back to my original thought...I am not sure I can truly relate to Zechariah's prophesy. I do know if I am really waiting on God to deliver me in any way. Herein is the issue...maybe my work for the Lord is so safe that it does not require me to wait on Him. No one hates me because they have no need to, even though Jesus said that the world would hate us because He chose us (John 15:19). I do not have fear of serving the Lord publicly because I actually do a good job of making sure my worship of God makes sense to the culture (see Romans 12:1 The Message). It seems that faithfulness for John and Paul required the kind of risky life that only God could be their deliverer. Working, but also waiting.

Some have commented that the call to wait is not isolated from working. And I agree. But I think we gravitate towards the work at times in hopes of opting out of the waiting. Am I willing to press into the tension that calls me to work while I wait for the Lord. Am I willing to do the kind of dangerous work for the Lord that helps me get a grasp of why Zechariah's prophecy was (and still is) so powerful? John did it. Paul did it. Will I do it?

Advent 2

Whatever issue you have with someone else, some other group, some other entity, whoever or whatever -- more than likely has extreme validity. Some of us wake up in the morning wanting to pick a fight. But I think that most of us would rather have unity and peace. Unfortunately, we have issues with each other...how we do things, how we say things, how we think about things, and more. And I think we would back down on those issues except for the fact that at least for us, they have extreme validity. We hold onto our valid arguments like money. Lately, I have wondered if there is something underneath our valid arguments that might need more attention.

Had a great talk with one of our singer-songwriters about the use of original music in churches. We agreed that many churches would rather sing the Christian Top 40 than allow creatives in their congregation to bring a new song. And of those that will allow new songs, many want those new songs to sound like the Christian Top 40. This phenomena is a songwriters' worst nightmare, and many no longer bring their gifts to the church for this single reason. My friend and I talked about the validity of this argument...the number of willing songwriters whose deepest desire was to bring songs that would connect with the church only to be shot down because it wasn't the latest and greatest. 

After a few minutes, the conversation took an unexpected turn. We started asking some deeper questions. Questions about pride, disobedience, impatience, rebellion, and  selfish ambition. We began to realize that while the argument was completely valid, the emotion underneath it was not. And no one wants to talk about the emotions underneath the valid opinions we hold, for fear that it will invalidate those thoughts. Furthermore, we realized that maybe God allowed such rough moments in church to happen so that those invalid, hidden motives could be brought to the surface and dealt with. Again, no one really wants to show up for that conversation...where your valid thoughts have to be separated from your invalid motives. I think this is what Malachi was talking about in his prophecy:

"Behold, I send my messenger, and he will prepare the way before me. And the Lord whom you seek will suddenly come to his temple; and the messenger of the covenant in whom you delight, behold, he is coming, says the LORD of hosts. But who can endure the day of his coming, and who can stand when he appears? For he is like a refiner’s fire and like fullers’ soap. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and he will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver, and they will bring offerings in righteousness to the LORD. Then the offering of Judah and Jerusalem will be pleasing to the LORD as in the days of old and as in former years." Malachi 3:1-4

The celebration of the Advent season is a lesson in what it means to anticipate and actively expect the coming the Lord. And on that day, He comes as a refiner to ultimately and finally burn away all that is invalid -- that which is invalid outside of us,  and in us. But as Malachi says,  'who can stand on that day?' or as I would say,  who would sign up for that? The truth is, we need to...we need to anticipate the day when the great refiner will come and purify us to completion.

So how do we anticipate this day? By allowing the deeper questions to be asked by the Holy Spirit TODAY. Specifically...the current grudge you are holding, the argument of the day, the un-forgiveness you are harboring...these are probably valid on some level. But what is underneath it? Jealousy? Entitlement? Idolatry? Anger? Understand that God wants to deal with all of it...and His goal is to make us pure and holy through and through, inside and out.

The season of Advent is a season if waiting. And what does one think about when they are waiting? Maybe for this second week a good mental conversation would be, 'what will the Lord divide in me when He comes and how can I give the invalid motives of my life to Him now so that I am refined in His sight?' That's what I'll be thinking about this second week of Advent.

Advent Thoughts: 1.2

Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Psalm 25:4-5

A couple of weeks ago, I scheduled a coffee with a UNF dude. We had been trying to get together for weeks. Finally, our schedules reconciled and we were able to make something happen. I was gonna meet with him at a Starbucks off Southside Blvd. after I set things up for the duplication of our new CD project...a meeting that would take place in South Orange Park. It was gonna be a bit of a rush, but it was gonna work. Famous last words...

So the duplicators were further into Orange Park than I remembered. In fact, I didn't even think to put Orange Park in my GPS cause I wasn't sure it was outside of Jacksonville city limits. But if definitely was deep into Clay County. When I finally got there, I had 15 minutes to get to my next meeting. I sent a text to my UNF friend and told him I was running late and I would let him know when I left. All I had to do was drop off the mastered copies of the CD, give them artwork, sign a form, swipe the credit card and I would be on my way. Shouldn't take too long.

One hour later, I had changed my plans with my friend from coffee to pizza. I arrived at Mellow Mushroom an hour and half later than we originally planned to meet for coffee. I had to buy his pizza, and it had to be whatever kind he wanted. I couldn't believe I was that late. And I was amazed that he was willing to wait that long. And when I say he waited, I mean he patiently did nothing else except sit and wait for me to arrive. He even told me that the waiting gave him a chance to sit and think. (What does one sit and think about for 90 minutes?) I still cannot believe he waited.

We had a great time. We were honest with each other about our struggles. We celebrated the things that God had done in both of our lives. We were both challenged to make tough decisions about who we wanted to be in this world. To be honest, it was the highlight of my day...might have done more for me than for him. And it was all possible because he was willing to wait for me.

In the above scripture, David sings, 'for you I wait all the day long'. I am challenged by this. I don't mind waiting on God if he tells me when He will arrive or gives me something else to do in the meantime. But if I expect God to show up at 1pm, 3:30pm is not acceptable. And just sitting around waiting on God to show up doesn't feel nice either. But David says, he is willing to wait on God, on God's instruction, and God direction ALL DAY. A full reading of this weeks Psalm text reveals a man who is not only waiting on God, but trusting in God with no distractions. David's heart is one who refuses to trust in anyone else, who refuses to go back to sins of His youth, refuses to leave the path of righteousness.

I'm wondering...would I wait on God the way my UNF friend waited on me. No clue when He would arrive. No desire to do something else, be distracted or even reschedule. Just wait with patience. I'm not so sure I am there yet. If anything, it is God who continues to wait patiently on me. How long should God have to wait...

I wanna be the kind of person who will sit and wait with patience on the Lord to reveal Himself. I don't wanna be the person who will look for something else to do until he gets there. I don't wanna be the person who forces God to work within my timetable. I wanna be the person that spends more time reflecting on who I need to be than on why God hasn't shown up in the way I think he should by now. And I definitely want to be the kind of person that never makes God wait on me.

Advent continues to call me into a season of active, hopeful, and patient waiting on God to reveal Himself in my life.

Advent Thoughts 1.1: From Bishop Whitaker

Timothy Whitaker is the Bishop of the Florida Conference of the United Methodist Church. I am a member of this denomination and I work for it as well. He just recently did a blog on Advent...specifically, the second Advent of Jesus. In the blog, he made a strong statement to church leaders:

Without a strong eschatological hope, the church succumbs to the pressures of this time and lets the surrounding culture squeeze it into its own mold. Remembering our hope, we are set free to serve Jesus Christ our Lord, knowing that our labor for him is not in vain, for we are both "God's building" and "builders" on the foundation of Jesus Christ, and our own "work...will become visible" in the disclosure of the final future of this world (I Corinthians 3).

I would definitely suggest you read the full posting here: It is not a short posting and you'll have to think about the stuff that he says. But the man has done his research and presents a compelling message.

I am so thankful for the strong teachers of our day like Bishop Whitaker.  Hope you enjoy the blog.

Actively waiting,
Derrick

Advent Thoughts: Week 1

Behold, the days are coming, declares the LORD, when I will fulfill the promise I made to the house of Israel and the house of Judah. In those days and at that time I will cause a righteous Branch to spring up for David, and he shall execute justice and righteousness in the land. In those days Judah will be saved, and Jerusalem will dwell securely. And this is the name by which it will be called: 'The LORD is our righteousness. - Jeremiah 33:14-16

I am still figuring out the point of the liturgical season of Advent. One thing I have landed upon...it is about waiting. The whole idea of waiting isn't appealing to me. But as I read through this week's texts, the encouragement of the Spirit seemed to be, 'waiting is a good thing, a holy thing'.

In the above text from the prophet Jeremiah, we are waiting on a person to come execute justice and righteousness. In this one person we will find both salvation and safety. On this side of the cross, I know that God has revealed our righteousness in the person of Jesus Christ. Because of the cross, God sees us through the perfection of His Son. So we now know who that person is and we have no need to 'wait' for another to personify salvation and protection for us. However,  I believe that Advent pushes us into deeper levels of waiting...waiting on Jesus to be revealed in situations, Jesus to be revealed in other people, literally waiting to see where God is at work and moving in that direction.

Waiting doesn't feel good to me because I am bent towards efficiency. I know what I want, I know when I want it and I know this is the best time for me to have it. And if this isn't gonna happen, then let me know and I'll figure out another way.

But waiting on God to reveal Himself to us requires faith. In fact, I am not sure how one really gets more faith without having to wait. Waiting stretches us and shows us that we actually have the capacity within to wait expectantly and in hope for God. And the truth is FAITH, not efficiency or planning, faith is what pleases God.

What or who am I waiting on? Is God leading me to this person or is it me?

Am I willing to wait on God's direction in the next situation, or take for granted that all things will work out?

Do I engage waiting as a season to bring about holiness in me or a punishment designed to harden me?

"Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those we once enjoyed or those we enjoy now." A.W. Tozer

The season of Advent invites us to actively, hopefully, and deliberately wait on God who is our justice, our security and our righteousness. Waiting is a good thing...a holy thing...a season that will bring about faith in us.

Options for Rice and Beans Week

So this morning at CrossRoad Church, Pastor Gee issued a challenge to the church. We are to try to have rice, beans and tap water for every meal this week Monday through Friday, November 16-20. Then bring the money that we saved to church next Sunday. That money will go towards a feeding project through our partner ministry in Haiti that will give 70,000 to 100,000 meals to 6,000 creole children. The reality is that many people around the world live on a diet that consist of (or is quite similar to) rice and beans everyday. As God is waking us up to His heart for the world, we wanna be people who identify and have compassion for those who live with so little.

As Gee explained the challenge to the church, he acknowledged that everyone may not be able to go full on rice and beans only this week. He added in oatmeal, cold cereal and even ramen (he was thinking of the college students!). He even encouraged people to do it for one day if that was all they could handle. I appreciated his desire to include as many people as possible in the challenge. It got me thinking of a few other options if rice and beans for a week is more than you can handle.

1. Cut your food budget in half this week.

2. Eat rice and beans for 1 meal a day.

3. Drink tap water instead of purchasing soft drinks and alcohol. (If you can't do that for one week, you might have a problem)

4. Eat only home-cooked meals this week (which means you either have to cook or go to your mom's house for dinner).

I am gonna take the challenge one day at a time. I am not sure I'll be able to endure a high capacity week on rice and beans. I have vowed to at least give it a chance. This is what I know: the moment that I break the rice and beans fast, I will pull away from identifying with those around the world who do not have the same choices and options. And I want that identification.

We'll see what happens. To all the CRC folks who will be taking on the challenge, GOOD LUCK! May God continue to wake us up to His heart for the world.

What no one wants to hear, slavery, and rice+beans.

This is from the A218 Community News Blog. Thought you'd be interested to know what is going on these days...

Hey A218,

Okay...picture it. You are at coffee with a good friend...talking about the events of the last week, problems that have come up, secrets you've yet to disclose...you know, life as usual. And then your friend puts down their latte and says to you, 'I hate to tell you this, but you are self-centered.' Is anyone ready for that conversation?

No one is ready to be told that they are self-focused, self-absorbed and self-consumed. And yet, that might be the newsflash we need. I don't think anyone wakes up in the morning saying to themselves, 'I think I want to be the center of my world today.' (Okay, I do...but I am chief of selfishness). Every now and then, we all need a wake up call that the selfish, consumer-driven, inwardly focused life is not a healthy way to live. Many folks across the ages have found themselves more alive and more human as they have focused on others, opened their circles of friendship, and identified with people who have less.

Last Saturday, we hosted a screening of the IJM documentary, 'At the End of Slavery: The Battle for Justice in our Time'. Many of us became aware of the harsh reality of slavery that still exists around the world. This week at all of the gatherings, we will have postcards for you to fill out that will go to our congressional leaders, letting them know that the issue of slavery around the world is important and must be addressed. We will also be showing the film again at JU Community Night on November 23 at 9pm. If you missed last Saturday, do everything you can to make it on Nov. 23.

Also, this week at all of the A218 and Forward Gatherings, we will be having Rice and Beans for dinner. We are joining CrossRoad Church in their Rice and Beans week, an effort to identify and understand how many folks in the world live on so little. Dinner will still be $2 on Monday at Forward and at the Tuesday Main Gathering, and that money will go towards a feeding project that will provide 70,000 to 100,000 meals for 6,000 children in Haiti. I hope you will join us for what will be a powerful week of gatherings.

The truth is, we can all be a little less focused on our own lives. Could a few dinners one week help? Could an hour-long documentary open us up a bit? I think so. It won't fix the world's problems and it won't completely transform the selfish soul. But it is a start and who knows where this could go...

I look forward to seeing all of you this week at one of our gatherings. Love your life and love your neighbor...all of them!

For His Dream,
Derrick

P.S. You definitely will not wanna miss the A218 Band Concert and Freedom Songs CD release on December 6th at Murray Hill. It will be a night of music, mercy and mission.

Cutting Edge Ministry

I used to think that cutting edge ministry had to do with loud, rhythmic music, intelligent lights and cool videos with relevant messages. I used to believe that the best thing I could do for the kingdom of God would be to join a dynamic church, attend as many conferences as I could pay for and rack up a full library of books on missional living and rethinking church. My views on cutting edge ministry have been shifting as I have continued leading and serving 18 to twentysomethings. But within the last month, a series of conversations have forever changed how I will define 'cutting edge ministry'. These conversations have been focused around an outreach to  kids in a neighborhood nearby called Silver Creek.

Silver Creek is an apartment community just off of Atlantic Blvd. Most of the kids at Silver Creek are immigrants to the US. They come from countries in Africa, southeast Asia and the Arabian peninsula. They along with their families are in our country seeking refuge from genocide, famine, disease and other circumstances. They have arrived in the US with little to no English, a limited understanding of western culture and few dollars to spend. Silver Creek is not only a community of international residents, but it is also a low income area with a significant crime rate.

For the last couple of years, members of the A218 community have been getting up on Sunday mornings and taking a drive down to Silver Creek to pick up kids and bring them to church. Folks such as Jackie Tatje, Katie Ullman, Mike Thompson, Sarah Culver and a list of other peeps have faithfully picked up these kids and brought them to CrossRoad Church where they have received breakfast and lunch (sometimes the only meals they would get in a weekend) and participated in an awesome kid's program. Many of these volunteers have talked about how personally rewarding this ministry has been for them as well as for the kids. They've found themselves identifying with Jesus who said, 'my food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to accomplish His work.' Every now and then, you'll see subtle yet significant changes in the kids. From what A218 folks have said, the joys of being a part of the this outreach cannot be matched. But there have also been lows.

The kids in Silver Creek have dealt with extreme issues such as severe hunger, war, separation of families, and abuse at a level that we in the US have never had to face in real time. They have seen things that we cannot imagine. As their young minds process and reconcile these images and memories, they manifest in behavioral issues that can become taxing after awhile. The kids love coming to CRC on Sundays, but they have at times been hard to control and even disruptive to the kid's program. Needless to say, there have been some A218 folks who who are no longer involved in this outreach. After a while, the stress takes it's toll. Possibly the hardest part has been the lack of 'thank you's' that come from the kids at the end of the day. (It's not that they are not thankful, it's that they are kids) In the last several months, it has been hard to find people to pick the kids up consistently. Some have even wondered if it is time to end our ministry to the kids of this community.

About a month ago,  I was asked to come chat with Carolyn Nelson (CRC Children's Ministry Director) and Scott Crawford (CRC Community Life Pastor) regarding the outreach and particularly the involvement of the A218 Community. I have been watching the outreach from afar and was convinced that while it was a good thing for a while, it's time may have come and gone. I was ready to walk into the meeting and say that it was time to end the Silver Creek outreach (and underneath this was a thought of getting back to real 'cutting edge' ministry.) Within the first 5 minutes of this meeting, everything changed for me. I heard Carolyn's passion for these kids and her inability to believe that this outreach had to end. I listened as she explained how great an opportunity this was for us as a church and for these kids. I begin to see what she saw...if we can reach these kids, we could reach their families and possibly that entire community. If we reached Silver Creek, we could be reaching the world. As I allowed Carolyn's words to break down my resolve, I heard the Spirit say, 'this is cutting edge ministry Derrick...get with the program.'

As of that meeting, I am now involved with the Silver Creek outreach. I don't feel comfortable around kids and my Sunday routine makes it a little difficult to devote lots of time to the kids each week. But what I realized at that meeting was I did have gifts that could help this outreach. I can talk, I can recruit, I can lead and I can inspire. Instead of saying what I (and we) couldn't do, I started asking and praying what can I (we) do. I am beginning to see what this outreach could become if we continue to be faithful with it. I have never had more hope and passion for this outreach. In fact, I believe it might be one of the most important things I will give my time to over the next year.

Last Sunday, I sat with the kids during breakfast. The kids were awesome (probably because Carolyn made pancakes). At the end of their time at CRC, I walked with them to the cars. I've been told that load up at the end of Sunday morning can be quite difficult. As we were convincing the kids to get in a car, stay in a car and buckle up, one of the little girls told me that she would sit down if I spelled her last name. If you know me, you can imagine the blank look on my face when I couldn't even say her first name (and even now I cannot remember it). She eventually sat down and buckled up, but never heard another thing from me. Now I know that God has not forgotten her name or her story. But I don't know her name, and I've been too busy to hear her story. And that doesn't sit well with me. And I am glad that it doesn't.

Do you wanna be a part of a cutting edge ministry to refugee kids? Would you like to be the tangible expression to these kids that God knows their name and cares about their story? It may not be an issue of what you can't do, it may be an issue of offering yourself so these kids  can experience the love of God and grace-filled Jesus-community. If you feel drawn to the outreach at Silver Creek in any way, drop me an email.

Top 12 things I wish I knew when I was 19.

I am sure there is more. And tomorrow, this will probably not be the order I would choose. In any case, enjoy...

1. Humility, honesty, and hope will be your best friends.

2. Anger, cynicism, fear and revenge are not fruits of the Spirit. You'll always have trouble justifying them before God.

3. If you assume the worst of people, you'll get the worst of them. If you assume the best of people, you'll get the truth about them.

4. Some people think they know you better than you know yourself, and you'll never convince them otherwise.

5. My life is infinitely more in front of me than behind me, so live that way. 

6. The more you do, the more you are questioned. If you don't want questions, then don't do anything.

7. Who I am and what I do are two separate things, but the latter should be based on the former.

8. What's more significant than who I am...who I am becoming.

9. People who are trustworthy will respect the boundaries you set, and will also work to win the right to push those boundaries.

10. If it is too good to be true, you're not being told the bad, incriminating part.

11. The hardest conversation had is better than the hardest conversation not had.

12. Just because it's hard, does not mean it is bad.

* What could be #13...you can't make anybody do anything, so be very careful when you think you can.

Calling...

We are encouraged in the scriptures to fulfill our calling. I believe that there is a collective calling for communities of faith, but also individual callings. For many of us, the issue of personal calling is a stressful one. Many people are unsure as to what they've been called by God to do. The question is often raised when we find ourselves unfulfilled in certain areas (career, church life, personal motivation). It also comes up when we are ready to go to the next level and really make an impact. I've learned that if I'm gonna ask someone what their calling is, I probably should shut off my phone and prepare for an hour conversation. The issue of calling is a tough one.

At this point in my life and ministry, I've discovered that calling is definitely connected to gifting. Obviously, if you can sing, there is a good chance you have been called to some sort of music ministry whether that be leading worship, writing songs, training other singers or something similar. It happens often that once a person has found their gifting, their calling isn't too far behind. Again, this isn't completely true for everyone. But we do know that your calling has some natural connection to the gifts that God has placed in you. So if you are struggling with your calling, ask yourself 'what are my gifts'? (And be sure to ask someone else who knows you and will be honest with you...it is clear that many who audition for American Idol missed that crucial conversation.) As you discover your gifts (aka your strengths), you will usually find your calling soon after.

For many, this connection of calling and gifts is nothing new. But i do not believe it stops there...

In some respects, the relationship of calling to gifting is the easy part. Most people enjoy working in their areas of gifting. It's where they feel strong and most alive. Again, the question of calling usually comes up when we are not working in our areas of strength. And if all it takes to get to our callings is to find a way to do what we are gifted to do, then discovering one's calling shouldn't be too difficult. But we all know that calling is not that simple...or the most gifted and talented people, who are aware of their gifts and serving the kingdom through their talents should have the deepest understanding of their callings. That is obviously not the case. Calling is not just about your gifting, it is also about your responsibility.

While discovering your gifts is primary to calling, I believe that realizing your responsibility is necessary to your calling. The responsibility factor gives the reason and the context for the gifting.  It is the harder, less palatable part of the calling. While most of us feel strong in our giftings, responsibilities often leave us feeling weak. So the gifted singer who has a child is just as much called to be a parent as they are called to be a worship leader. Even if she feels like a great singer and an awful parent, her calling includes both.  So for those who are trying to figure out where they are called, I would also add this question, 'what are my God-given responsibilities'?

Few people sign up for responsibilities as they can feel limiting (like wanting a license but not wanting to pay for insurance). However,  the two cannot be separated. The giftings produce confidence in us, and the responsibilities produce character. The responsibilities keep the giftings in check so that we are always reminded that the calling is not all about us. Giftings help us embrace who we really are, but responsibilities lead us to the end of ourselves. Giftings help us celebrate what God has already done in us, and responsibilities keep us open to what God wants to continue doing (in us, through us, and for us).

If you are struggling to find your calling, maybe the problem is not connected to your gifting. I know too many folks who know what their gifts are, but have not stepped up to their callings because of the responsibilities associated. My advice...do yourself a favor and face the fact that calling = giftings + responsibilities. Fulfill your calling...